I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it hurts more in the daytime
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
