It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
ttyl tear gas
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
