someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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