drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
