Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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