Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
