Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
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Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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