Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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