It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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