i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
