My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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