Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
