Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
