i dedicated my morning wood to you.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
