i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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