I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We smell like vodka and hangover
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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