Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space