FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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