her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
