He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
