I'm so fucking centered right now
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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