you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
We are two peas in an std pod
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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