I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
