First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
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my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
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Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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