I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
