I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
