You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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