its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
