was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
