I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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