a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
