I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
