Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
