I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
