Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
