So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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