then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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