Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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