he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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