I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made