Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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