Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
