Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"