the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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