There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
