Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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