I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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