Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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