oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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