I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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