I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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