even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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