I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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