This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
