i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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