I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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