I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
