haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My pussy is not your playground.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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